The Father’s will – the only way
i lay down on the cross. i had a few beautiful seconds when i could rest.
the walk up the hill had been long and hard.
suddenly the first brutal was smashed into my wrist, every nerve in my body screamed.
the weight on my heart became greater: your wrong, your lies, your idolatry, cutting into my flesh, my teeth clenched –
this is my Father’s will … the only way.
my body had just started to cope with the searing pain when the next mail went in, disjointing bones, I could feel the blood oozing out.
this is my Father’s will.
my feet are dragged onto the wooden platform. the knowledge of what is happening doesn’t blunt the pain. every nerve end, every ounce of my body wants to scream for God to release me. but…
this is the only way… my Father’s will.
above my head they hung a sign “King of the Jews” – if only they knew
the cross is being lifted. i slide down it desperately trying to hold my arms up so the nails don’t slice deeper into my flesh
blood from the thorns trickles into my face, i can’t wipe it away
the pain increases
i feel so weak, i have to struggle to stay conscious
at my feet i hear the mocking voices of the guards, the women crying, trying to comfort one another and sobbing uncontrollably
“make them see Father, this is your will. they don’t know what is happening. they want to save me but know that is not the way. they can’t see but they know.”
in the midst of the pain and the heaviness i hear a voice
i drag myself slowly away from the thoughts and actions that are being heaped upon me
My name, the name of power and grace
i turn as much as my weak state will let me. the thorns dig in. blood runs down into my eyes. i try and blink it away
– Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom
he lifted my heart, in the middle of the physical pain and anguish i felt a moment of clarity… someone understands, it is not in vain.
“I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in the paradise”
the words are dry and raspy, they stick in my throat
darkness came over the land. the view of the city below gets covered in a black shroud.
a darkness covers me
one by one everything is heaped upon me, the guilt of the people stacked on my head
i am alone
God has turned his back, his face is turned away
the loneliness consumes me
the final sin is placed upon my head
“Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?”
my whole being screamed these words
why God? i need you. i can’t bear the pain
my Father had turned his back and I couldn’t keep the words in any longer
the words rang clear across the shadowed land. i had held onto them as long as possible but they poured forth from my parched lips.
someone held a sponge to my mouth. the liquid burnt against my cracked lips
saliva gathered in my mouth in anticipation. i almost chocked on it.
again my voice cried out
i could not stop it now
i cried out with every atom of me
the unending heavy dragging pain running into sound
this is the only way.
i let go. i couldn’t hold on. my spirit went down and all the sin went with it.
My Father tore the curtain in the temple, from top to bottom, his heart overflowing
the ground shook with His emotion
in the depth of His greatest lose and greatest gain:
“Come my children. I have opened the way. You are free to come into my house, my dwelling place, the Holy of Holies. Sit at my feet and I will be your God. Do not be afraid, the way is now clear. The curtain is torn. I have heaped your wrong on him who was pure. He died so that you can live. Come to me my children. It is finished – come home to me.”
People do come. They see the torn curtain and God’s house behind it. They step over the threshold between death and life.